This is my life, on live journal.

Sat, 12 Sep 2009 07:24:37 GMT

Did it ever occur to you that maybe I am just over your baggage.

Guess not. I'm over it.
I don't miss you.

Tue, 01 Sep 2009 02:04:35 GMT

I can't lie to myself, this year is becoming such a blur. For I don't know how much this year has really made a difference in my life. I'm aching for something to change all my ways, to change my life.
I feel like the past eight months were for nothing. I feel like my life is on pause, when in reality everyday that's passing is being wasted. I honestly never pictured my life like this.
I know last year was a mess, I know I was making so many mistakes and fell into some things I thought I was never going to break free from. But it never felt so real to me. This life feels like someone else's, not mine. I expected so much more.
I don't know what happened, but this isn't what I wanted for myself. I would trade everything I have now, for something I had last year, or even any of the years before.

Fri, 28 Aug 2009 06:06:29 GMT

I'm feeling a little discontent I must admit. I probably shouldn't be but I can't help that in the back of my mind, there you are.

Someone save me from all this. I don't want to care about you like this anymore..

Sun, 03 May 2009 02:48:10 GMT

Your always coming back in my life. And still I sit here to not understand what it all means.

Sometimes when I close my eyes and dream. I still picture your lips touching mine.
I'm so over it.

Thu, 30 Apr 2009 19:26:38 GMT

It's been months, and my heart belongs to me.

I'm content with my life, and the way things are today.

Fri, 16 Jan 2009 00:40:41 GMT

http://bitchlecakes.livejournal.com/1519.html
http://bitchlecakes.livejournal.com/899.html
http://bitchlecakes.livejournal.com/650.html

It's safe to say I could never stop missing you when you meant so much to me. Scratch that, you still do. I'm just glad you were in my life, even if your not there in the same way. I'm glad I got to make you as happy as I did. I'm happy for you, and your new girl. If that's what makes you truly happy I can't sit here and be mad. I know at one time, I was that girl. So all I can do is sit here and smile. Because if she makes you happy like I did, there's nothing left to say.
You will always be my life long friend, you will always mean so much to me. No matter what happens in our crazy lifes. No matter what time will do to us. I'll always look back on certain things and smile. Because I'm glad at one point, you were my everything. Because as much as you lied and as much as I was clueless and as much as I was a bitch at times, it was all worth it.
And I still think to myself, if we ever got the chance, I'd do it all over again.

Sat, 01 Nov 2008 08:48:32 GMT

I lost someone, who meant the world to me.
I lost someone who changed my life, someone who I cared so much about.
Someone I'll never get back now.

All I'm doing is crying, because I know their worth it.
Their worth every tear. I'll miss them everyday, I already know.

Sat, 01 Nov 2008 08:26:53 GMT

Let me write something pure, let me spill my feelings out and get things straight. Let me clear my head, and figure this all out, right now. So god help me, because I just might be one of those extremely complicated persons in the world that no one will ever understand.

Let me be free of what people murmur about me. Let me step outside of this house and not worry continuously. Bring me thoughts and images of joy, and happiness. Have my heart beat for him, like it was meant to, like it use to when I was far much younger. Let me be sure of what I'm feeling, let me breathe in my life and love it. Hide the mess of my family from me, hover me with sunsets, and put smiles on my face that are there to stay. Bring back my hearing of laughter, so I can drink in the best of this world.
Bring back Karalee, no matter how much of a mess I have become.

I'm holding on, holding on to what I had, because it's all I've got for now.

Fri, 29 Aug 2008 02:19:29 GMT

Your moving across the state,
all I'll do is wait, wait, wait.

There's my sentimental crap for all the shitty things that happen to me in my life. Things just don't get any better do they. I've given up on the whole "not understanding the hard things in life so I'm going to be sad" image. Life sucks, get over it.

And if it doesn't for you, then you fucking suck my friend.

Thu, 31 Jul 2008 00:06:39 GMT

I guess no one said making things right was easy?
Because it certainly hasn't been. All I wanted to do was love you, but I'm pretty much the one to blame this time. I had to follow my heart, I had to be happy.

I'll always remember my first.
Just stay awake for me.

Mon, 21 Jul 2008 03:58:04 GMT

I keep making the same mistakes.
Why am I making such a mess out of myself, what has the five months done to me, it's gotten me like this.
I can't turn back time now, it is what it is.
I have to forget about it, and go on.

Thu, 05 Jun 2008 05:43:43 GMT

Who knew you'd mean this much to me. Who knew you'd be the one person I'd need right by my side, no matter what happened through our lifes. I've said it before, but I miss you. And things haven't been the same since you left. Come back to the place where we made memories. The nights when we stayed up and laughed for hours, the days we spent getting into trouble.

We thought we hated things the most, looking back it's what I love now the most.

Wed, 28 May 2008 06:03:29 GMT

I feel pretty shitty right now. I want to write about some things but I know certain people read this who would disaprove, so I have to keep my mouth shut I guess.
I don't feel like what we have is special anymore, not when it's based off weed.
What's so special about smoking everday, several times a day? What's so special about eating, and sleeping.
Today I was home, I did things that were nice, things I enjoy doing. I went around brentwood, talked to my dad, ate some la costa, got some things done around school. Then hung out with some friends, we didn't do drugs, or get drunk. We didn't do anything illegal. We went to rite aid, and walked around and laughed at things, and just talked.
I realized how much I liked and missed doing things like that, talking to normal functioning people, and just socializing and having meaning to something we did.
I came home to you, and you asked me to roll a blunt, we didn't say much to each other, and then you went downstairs to smoke, you'll probably be done there for most of the night, even though I haven't seen you for awhile now.

I miss you, I miss us doing something special. It'd be nice once in awhile.
I want to be yours forever, why can't you just see that.
That's why I worry, that's why I get on your ass. Why can't you slow down a little, and get your priorities straight.

Why is weed your number one.

Mon, 26 May 2008 16:32:36 GMT

It's morning time, and I really wish I had hella new clothes, shoes, and purses. That would make me extremely happy.

I don't understand people sometimes. I really don't, and their drama they try and bring everywhere like seriously. They over think the other party sometimes, they think someone does something on purpose or to be rude, when really they could just be trying to go about their life, having a swell old time.

Fri, 23 May 2008 08:31:15 GMT

I have school in the morning, I'm beginning to become more of a fuck up. Almost everything didn't go as planned today. Here out my paranoia. I was suposed to come home and do all of my homework, witch was Romeo and Juliet, then take a shower, do my hair, do laundry. Everything went all, all not the way it should have. I didn't do all of my homework, I haven't done laundy, and it's a little too late now, and my hair is all curly in spots. I can't keep going, I'm so tired, and my body is in pain.
The Pursuit of Happyness always makes me sad and happy at the same time, it's strange but a good feeling. This sounds weird coming from someone so young, but I want to have babies. Not now, but in general I do. I think it's a thing girls do tend to think about, especially since we are becoming woman and our natural instincts are to reproduce? I don't know. I just want a cute ass little kid I can dress up. I just want to be a mommy, and wear those pregnat clothes.
The sad part is playing right now, where he crys when he gets the job, how sad. But like happy. I've cried when I'm happy before. It was amazing, I still do it sometimes.

Man, Life is amazing, if you really think about it. Your teen years are just a small part of your life, you probably won't remember everything you did or all the people you knew, etc. I care about my future, and where I'm going. I want a nice life, I want to goto school, and I want my other half to do the same. I want my husband to be there for me, and be knowlegable. I want him to act his age. The thing I hate the most in a guy is there immaturity, their pranks that aren't funny, or constant inside jokes, it just. Nevermind you get the point.

I want to write more, but I'm sleepy.
Night<3

Wed, 21 May 2008 20:16:54 GMT

I'm not sure whether it was because I freaked out, something I haven't done for awhile, or it was the fact that I really do need you. But I realized how much I love you, how special you are. I realized it even more the past couple days. There are things about you, that just drive me crazy. How your more of a man then most guys I know, how you'll take care of me, and every other guy acts like he's fourteen. That one just gets me. How we can talk, about anything and just hang out. How in my eyes, there never is a dull moment with us. How we both drive each other wild. I don't know, I just saw that not everyone has that, only you.

The past couple days have been rough. I'm stuck in this town, this town I really don't care for. I feel alone in this town, because frankly I kind of am. I feel lost, and I feel a little uninspired.
I fucked up my meds yesterday, I think thats why an hour ago I just had a really bad freak out, that kinda hurt. Ugh. It's hard when I get like that, I have to like restrain myself from overdosing it feels like. And I want to not do it, and figure out what to do not to do it, like call someone and have them come over or something, but it's usually to much of a compicated thing for me to explain it. No one can really make me calm down when I freak out. But I did it, I didn't overdose. I did take out my whole bottle of trazadone, but I ended up running out the house screaming instead, yelling "This is too hard". It is. It literally feels like something is posessing me when I freak out, and it's not coming out of me until it feels like it, it's like whatever is posessing me, is trying to get me to overdose,over and over again.

May I mention, I haven't overdosed just once. Ugh. I thought maybe it was me that was better, that I knew not to kill myself. But I really think if it weren't for the meds, I'd do it again. I didn't take them on time, at all. I usually take them at ten at night, and yesterday I took them around one, I was going to pop. So I'm sure the effects wore off by an hour ago. And I ended up doing the right thing, and not popping yesterday. But I was a total bitch to Josh :/ I don't really know what was wrong with me. All I know now is, take my meds on time.

Thu, 15 May 2008 10:00:33 GMT

It's hard to read back on most of these livejournals, but in a lot of ways I love going back and reading all the things I had to get through.
I haven't updated for awhile, at least on this account, I made another "new one" to try and forget about this one, and the things that were written. I'm just tired of blowing off things that really do bother me, things that really do hurt me.
I know it's never too late to try and start caring, to try and start fixing things, I guess it starts here tonight, at three in the morning.
A week ago, I over dosed, I went to a mental facility. And I've been back with Josh for a little over two months now, it's not easy, let's just put it at that if the first sentence didn't give you the hint.
I'm on meds now, yet I realized tonight when Josh freaked out, that meds have nothing to do with it really. It just helped the situation by me not freaking out, Josh still continues to. It's hard being with someone who's stressful, when I haven't been. Physically I feel tired, I wanted to freak out tonight, but because of my meds it just felt impossible, thank god. But I wanted to, especially when Josh picked me up and wouldn't let go of me, or while I chased him down that street heading to liberty for the second time.
I love him, but I'm starting to see a side I never saw before.
The side that says, you have to let him go sometime. I've been holding on for so long, to my first love, my everything, my baby, and there comes a point, when you just can't keep going anymore. I'm reaching my point. I have to care about me now, because I tried caring about him first, and I ended up trying to kill myself like a dumbass.
I have never seen it from this point of view, the point of view to where I might actually be able to recover from all of this, and be happy. I see it more and more often now, the more he freaks out, the more he yells, the more he makes me unhappy, I see it. I can see myself, without him and okay.
I've never seen that before. I've always been afraid to death to be without him, but I'm not kidding you, more and more, I think I really will be okay.

Who thought I'd end up getting over the guy of my dreams?

Fri, 14 Dec 2007 06:07:22 GMT

I feel like I stand alone, I feel like things never change like I wish they would.
I feel like I never escape from the things that hold me down, and bring me down.
It feels like the same shit, but a different day.

There are things I wish I could write out on here, but I only feel like my secrets aren't safe. I feel like what keeps my knees weak to come out, people aren't ready for.
I want to get on my knees and pray for all these thoughts, all these second thoughts to vanish. I want these doubts to disappear, and live a life happy.
But now I see, it seems impossible.

Something is always missing, something is never right.
I always want the things I can't and don't have.
I never feel good enough, I never feel pretty enough. I'm sick of looking in the mirror and wanting to change a million things about my life. I hate being unhappy, even when I am actually happy.

I just don't feel like the girl I want to be so bad. I don't feel like this girl who I have becoming. I liked things better when there was constant fighting, crying, and then bits of wonderful happiness here and there.
No fighting, no crying, no struggling, I have to be honest, it doesn't feel right.
I don't want to go causing conflict in my life. I don't want to go changing things up, when I know things are just fine how they are, and so are the people who are in my life.
I just feel like I don't belong, I feel like I have too much to say. I feel like I'm to unperfect, to not enough like other people.
Here it goes, I don't love myself and I don't want to, and I don't think I can.

I don't like my life, I wish I had a different one.
Sometimes I feel like I belong in this world more, when it's just me home alone with my cat to be honest.
Everyone else, every place almost makes me feel out of place.
The places, the people who make me feel right, aren't around.

Here it is, Here's my depression.
Here's everything that eats me, here is what I think of myself.
Here's about ten minutes in my head, this is what I have to deal with all day.

I miss places, I want to go back to them.
I want to walk backwards in time and go back to the days I was there.
I want to retrace my steps and have my friends follow to show them all the great memories I had.
But I have come to realize, I'm constantly living in my past and refusing to move forward with anything and anyone in my life.
I'm tired of comparing people to others who were once there. I'm tired of comparing present times, to lost memories.
It's all over with now, I need to move on and love things now. I need to love myself now, with my new life.

I'm afraid things will get so overwhelming, I'll try and leave everything I have right now, behind to try and get things back I can't.
This is why I am writing.
I don't want to come out and say, I could leave all of you behind, everything we do, behind. Because I know it's not best, I know I'm happy from how I see it, and I know this is how things are now. But I feel like once I think about things that feel missing, once that spot in my heart only increases, I'll make a stupid mistake by shutting myself off to everyone.

I need to pray. I can't let myself do this again.

Wed, 12 Dec 2007 06:56:46 GMT

It's sad how things can amount to nothing. How two people who once loved each other could move on and act like they don't care at all anymore.
It's hard to watch a friendship go down the toilet because people can't forgive or swallow their selfish pride. It's sad that I'm not talking about one person, but almost many people, and even myself at times.
But I still feel as if I have accomplished this more then many people.

Your not always going to understand and know the answers for everything. It's something we all have to accept. We're not always going to be right and most of the time we might be wrong. It could get to the point to where we make mistake after mistake, but we still should be given the chance to make it up, and make a better person of ourselves. Especially if someone is going to reach out to you.

Things in my life are good, although not perfect, it feels perfect.
I love my friends and my good friends.
But the two things my mind is staying on is my boyfriend and my change of life for god lately.
This is a good change for me, and I feel really happy with things.

Tue, 11 Dec 2007 04:58:10 GMT

As if these entrys were photographs,
and this livejournal was a scrap book.
I'm adding you to some of my most cherished memories, even if every entry after this was about how sad I was. I want this one post to be in here so I can be reminded how much you already mean to me, how much you have already seem to grown on me so much in such little time. I want to look back and know I am happy with you, and I haven't felt this happy and felt like things are this right, in the longest time.
I want to look back, and see the start from something great, when days pass.

I'm falling for you fast.
You have me.

Tue, 11 Dec 2007 00:16:59 GMT

One day I am going to leave three things behind.
Stoners, Drunks, and these little towns.

For a girl my size, I have bigger dreams then what you would think.
I love my best friend, and I'm taking her to leave those things with me, when I descide I can't take it anymore.
The glass is half empty, and it's about to run all out.
I can't stand this, I can't stand having to do things someone's way. I can't stand having to be under the influence to have friends.

I'll find my way.

Mon, 03 Dec 2007 08:18:37 GMT

Sometimes I wish I had more simplicity within me.
I always feel as if I crave love and affection much more then a normal human being should. I have gotten to the point I have craved it so much, I have pushed myself into falling for people who only ended up breaking me.
To the point to where now I don't even see the point in falling in love again.
I wish I didn't spend half the time I did this year crying over people who had broken my heart.
I don't think the "guy" I am looking for is out there at times. How in the world, is there a guy out there who would understand me, and love me to death. On top of that, be almost completely like me, and be perfect for me.
It seems like it could be the impossible, you know.
To find someone out there who would complete me, someone who I would make my life. I seem to want it more then anything, especially lately. It's just when I put in the situation I seem to push it away more then ever.
I'm afraid of love. I spend half my time crying over how much I want it, but once I am about to get it (lately) I can't seem to put my heart out there for them, I can't seem to let myself fall.
I wouldn't be able to handle being hurt again. I can barely handle how things are now. I don't know what it would be like letting yet another guy into my heart, sharing everything with them, to loose them.

I just want something that is going to be there, every single day.
No matter what that day will bring, whether I am happy or sad, they are there.
A human being, a soul is a very valuable thing. Giving someone your heart, should be the best gift to give someone. It should be the one thing you cherish. I'm ready to fall in love, I think I just need to be reassured that love isn't meant to hurt, it's meant to be a good thing, it's meant to make you smile after you cry, not be the reason why you were crying.
I need to fall for a guy who is going to be sure, he'll have my best interest in mind.
Not to sound like a girl who is hating on guys.
But it seems like all guys are the same. Meaning in, no guys every treat me right, no guy ever falls for me and stays with me.
I'm feeling really alone in this world lately.
Like no one understands me, or what the words mean when I speak.
I just don't know if I should try and trust a guy with my heart I guess. Every time I have, it's been broken. There is no way to per pare yourself for a broken heart. If there was, I'd wear a life vest and fall for guys right and left. But life just isn't that way.
There is no life guards, it's all a chance, all a risk.
I said I'd never take that risk again, and I'm still not sure my heart will let me.

I want to fall in love. It's just if I do, I don't want to fight with them. I don't want to loose them, I don't want to not trust them. I don't want to cry over them. I don't want to feel like they don't love me. I want to be loved, and give love to them. I want to be their everything and have them be my world. I want to come first, and I want them to know they are number one.
I don't want any games, any terrible fights, no days spent crying.
I'm scared.. But I miss having someone hold my hand and look at me and smile, witch would end up making me blush. I miss having someone whisper in my ear the words "your cute". I miss having someone to fall asleep next to, and wake up in their arms. I miss having someone who will spend days with me at a time. I miss having someone who will pick me up from one room and drop me on bed and tackle me with their kisses, resulting in laughter. I miss having someone to keep me safe when I feel the most vulnerable and hurt. I miss having someone to look at me while I am crying, and tell me things will be okay and then have me look up at them, for them to wipe off my smeared mascara.
I wouldn't be able to tell you how many things I miss, because I really do miss it all. I miss being someones little baby to take care of. Someones girlfriend who they'd play house with. I miss looking into someones eyes and feeling like that was exactly where I was meant to be. I feel missing, without it all to be honest.
I shouldn't need a guy to be happy. I can be happy, I am happy. I just don't feel right, I don't feel full. Something is missing, and I know what it is.

I just need someone who ~~can be my everything~~, actually I am tired of always doing my part. For a change, I want a guy who will make me his world, his everything, his life.

Mon, 03 Dec 2007 02:20:03 GMT

Can a life change in a matter of ten minutes. Can you seriously loose something that means everything to you, in only a matter of minutes.
I did. I lost my best friend.

I don't know what else to say.
I just think it's sad something that took so many days filled with laughing and messing around. So many nights spent partying and falling asleep talking. So many times we spent doing thr stupidest things. So many hours spent on the phone, so many times crying and being cheered up. Amount to nothing now. As if none of it ever happened in the first place.
I thought you were my friend for life, someone I could count on to stay in my life no matter how tough things got. But you didn't stay.

One day, I'll have a hand full of people who will be my friends through thick and thin. I guess I just really wanted you to be one of them.

Sun, 02 Dec 2007 21:37:35 GMT

It feels early but it isn't. I am still really tired, but I know I should get out of bed already.

I like this guy, he wants everything that I want in a relationship so hopefully if we do go out it will work out? I don't know.
I don't think I could handle another let down, heart break, and disapointment.
My little heart wouldn't be able to make it.

All I am saying is I have a crush, I don't know if he wants to go anywhere with it. But we'll see. :]

Fri, 30 Nov 2007 01:34:46 GMT

I had a breakdown today, just like the ones I use to have when we were dating. I had one because as I was looking for some old pictures of me on my computer to send a friend, I came across this,
It hurt so much to see this. I remember that day like it was yesterday when in reality it was more then a year ago.

I wanted to stay strong for a little while I glanced at it. But I start crying as soon as I opened it. It was almost like I knew exactly what it was. I cried for an hour straight. You were my first love. I still talk about you, it seems like all the time. Not bad, actually a lot of good things. Yeseterday I caught myself saying I miss you.
While I was crying for an hour straight on the phone with a friend, I brought up times we were together and happy. I brought up the time when you suprised me at eleven o'clock at night, outside my window with some flowers, a letter you wrote, and a quarter machine ring. You were shaking and you looked so scared, you asked me to marry you.
Also the time when we were in bed, and we were laughing at the stupidest things and we gave each other one hundred and fifteen kisses, in five mintues, I think it was in that time. We counted after every kiss.
The time, you lost your wallet at the mall after chirstmas and while we looked outside it was raining and it was now night outside you gave me your jacket and gave me a piggy back ride all the way to the car. You ran and we we laughed because everytime you'd take a step you'd say "My hair" because it was getting curly.
=/
I remember when we broke up. You just standing in the middle of my street, crying while it was raining hard. I remember running out of my house in my socks and a dress and holding you and saying I was sorry and that I loved you and things would get better. I remember kissing you and wishing things weren't like this.

I'm crying again.
I can't lie anymore. I can't say I am over you when I'm not. When if you called me and wanted things to be like how they once were, I'd drop everything in a heart beet and start all over with you.
I can't tell myself I hate you, especially when I look for a "perfect guy" your the one I describe.

Your not the same person anymore though. I wish you still were because I have never been in love with anyone, but you. And I know it was the most amazing thing in the world, and some of my most favorite memories, are ones I shared with you.
I need to get over you, I have been telling myself this for the past ten months now. But this has been hard.
I wish there was someone out there who would do the things you did for me, someone who wouldn't care spending every night and day with me, literally. Someone who would stick up for me and love me every second of the day. Someone who would got me, someone with the same exact style as me, and sense of humor. Someone who would talk shit with me, and look at me and just smile and know why. Someone who would be a dick to me when I was being the bitchest person.
I haven't found them, I haven't even found someone close to you.
No one has done the things you did, no one has replaced you.

I see now, everytime I talk about how I want to find the "perfect guy" I'm really talking about how much I miss you and that's why I get so sad.
I think sometimes I only miss you because I can't find someone who will replace you in my heart. No one who can compare to you or the things we did.

I'm trying to move on and find someone new. But every day I try and find someone new and I don't, the more I miss you.