This is my life, on live journal.

Did it ever occur to you that maybe I am just over your baggage.







Guess not. I'm over it.
I don't miss you.

I can't lie to myself, this year is becoming such a blur. For I don't know how much this year has really made a difference in my life. I'm aching for something to change all my ways, to change my life.
I feel like the past eight months were for nothing. I feel like my life is on pause, when in reality everyday that's passing is being wasted. I honestly never pictured my life like this.
I know last year was a mess, I know I was making so many mistakes and fell into some things I thought I was never going to break free from. But it never felt so real to me. This life feels like someone else's, not mine. I expected so much more.
I don't know what happened, but this isn't what I wanted for myself. I would trade everything I have now, for something I had last year, or even any of the years before.

I'm feeling a little discontent I must admit. I probably shouldn't be but I can't help that in the back of my mind, there you are.







Someone save me from all this. I don't want to care about you like this anymore..

Your always coming back in my life. And still I sit here to not understand what it all means.

Sometimes when I close my eyes and dream. I still picture your lips touching mine.
I'm so over it.

It's been months, and my heart belongs to me.

I'm content with my life, and the way things are today.

http://bitchlecakes.livejournal.com/1519.html
http://bitchlecakes.livejournal.com/899.html
http://bitchlecakes.livejournal.com/650.html


It's safe to say I could never stop missing you when you meant so much to me. Scratch that, you still do. I'm just glad you were in my life, even if your not there in the same way. I'm glad I got to make you as happy as I did. I'm happy for you, and your new girl. If that's what makes you truly happy I can't sit here and be mad. I know at one time, I was that girl. So all I can do is sit here and smile. Because if she makes you happy like I did, there's nothing left to say.
You will always be my life long friend, you will always mean so much to me. No matter what happens in our crazy lifes. No matter what time will do to us. I'll always look back on certain things and smile. Because I'm glad at one point, you were my everything. Because as much as you lied and as much as I was clueless and as much as I was a bitch at times, it was all worth it.
And I still think to myself, if we ever got the chance, I'd do it all over again.

I lost someone, who meant the world to me.
I lost someone who changed my life, someone who I cared so much about.
Someone I'll never get back now.

All I'm doing is crying, because I know their worth it.
Their worth every tear. I'll miss them everyday, I already know.

Let me write something pure, let me spill my feelings out and get things straight. Let me clear my head, and figure this all out, right now. So god help me, because I just might be one of those extremely complicated persons in the world that no one will ever understand.

Let me be free of what people murmur about me. Let me step outside of this house and not worry continuously. Bring me thoughts and images of joy, and happiness. Have my heart beat for him, like it was meant to, like it use to when I was far much younger. Let me be sure of what I'm feeling, let me breathe in my life and love it. Hide the mess of my family from me, hover me with sunsets, and put smiles on my face that are there to stay. Bring back my hearing of laughter, so I can drink in the best of this world.
Bring back Karalee, no matter how much of a mess I have become.

I'm holding on, holding on to what I had, because it's all I've got for now.

Your moving across the state,
all I'll do is wait, wait, wait.

There's my sentimental crap for all the shitty things that happen to me in my life. Things just don't get any better do they. I've given up on the whole "not understanding the hard things in life so I'm going to be sad" image. Life sucks, get over it.

And if it doesn't for you, then you fucking suck my friend.

I guess no one said making things right was easy?
Because it certainly hasn't been. All I wanted to do was love you, but I'm pretty much the one to blame this time. I had to follow my heart, I had to be happy.

I'll always remember my first.
Just stay awake for me.

I keep making the same mistakes.
Why am I making such a mess out of myself, what has the five months done to me, it's gotten me like this.
I can't turn back time now, it is what it is.
I have to forget about it, and go on.

Who knew you'd mean this much to me. Who knew you'd be the one person I'd need right by my side, no matter what happened through our lifes. I've said it before, but I miss you. And things haven't been the same since you left. Come back to the place where we made memories. The nights when we stayed up and laughed for hours, the days we spent getting into trouble.

We thought we hated things the most, looking back it's what I love now the most.

I feel pretty shitty right now. I want to write about some things but I know certain people read this who would disaprove, so I have to keep my mouth shut I guess.
I don't feel like what we have is special anymore, not when it's based off weed.
What's so special about smoking everday, several times a day? What's so special about eating, and sleeping.
Today I was home, I did things that were nice, things I enjoy doing. I went around brentwood, talked to my dad, ate some la costa, got some things done around school. Then hung out with some friends, we didn't do drugs, or get drunk. We didn't do anything illegal. We went to rite aid, and walked around and laughed at things, and just talked.
I realized how much I liked and missed doing things like that, talking to normal functioning people, and just socializing and having meaning to something we did.
I came home to you, and you asked me to roll a blunt, we didn't say much to each other, and then you went downstairs to smoke, you'll probably be done there for most of the night, even though I haven't seen you for awhile now.

I miss you, I miss us doing something special. It'd be nice once in awhile.
I want to be yours forever, why can't you just see that.
That's why I worry, that's why I get on your ass. Why can't you slow down a little, and get your priorities straight.

Why is weed your number one.

It's morning time, and I really wish I had hella new clothes, shoes, and purses. That would make me extremely happy.

I don't understand people sometimes. I really don't, and their drama they try and bring everywhere like seriously. They over think the other party sometimes, they think someone does something on purpose or to be rude, when really they could just be trying to go about their life, having a swell old time.

I have school in the morning, I'm beginning to become more of a fuck up. Almost everything didn't go as planned today. Here out my paranoia. I was suposed to come home and do all of my homework, witch was Romeo and Juliet, then take a shower, do my hair, do laundry. Everything went all, all not the way it should have. I didn't do all of my homework, I haven't done laundy, and it's a little too late now, and my hair is all curly in spots. I can't keep going, I'm so tired, and my body is in pain.
The Pursuit of Happyness always makes me sad and happy at the same time, it's strange but a good feeling. This sounds weird coming from someone so young, but I want to have babies. Not now, but in general I do. I think it's a thing girls do tend to think about, especially since we are becoming woman and our natural instincts are to reproduce? I don't know. I just want a cute ass little kid I can dress up. I just want to be a mommy, and wear those pregnat clothes.
The sad part is playing right now, where he crys when he gets the job, how sad. But like happy. I've cried when I'm happy before. It was amazing, I still do it sometimes.

Man, Life is amazing, if you really think about it. Your teen years are just a small part of your life, you probably won't remember everything you did or all the people you knew, etc. I care about my future, and where I'm going. I want a nice life, I want to goto school, and I want my other half to do the same. I want my husband to be there for me, and be knowlegable. I want him to act his age. The thing I hate the most in a guy is there immaturity, their pranks that aren't funny, or constant inside jokes, it just. Nevermind you get the point.

I want to write more, but I'm sleepy.
Night<3

I'm not sure whether it was because I freaked out, something I haven't done for awhile, or it was the fact that I really do need you. But I realized how much I love you, how special you are. I realized it even more the past couple days. There are things about you, that just drive me crazy. How your more of a man then most guys I know, how you'll take care of me, and every other guy acts like he's fourteen. That one just gets me. How we can talk, about anything and just hang out. How in my eyes, there never is a dull moment with us. How we both drive each other wild. I don't know, I just saw that not everyone has that, only you.

The past couple days have been rough. I'm stuck in this town, this town I really don't care for. I feel alone in this town, because frankly I kind of am. I feel lost, and I feel a little uninspired.
I fucked up my meds yesterday, I think thats why an hour ago I just had a really bad freak out, that kinda hurt. Ugh. It's hard when I get like that, I have to like restrain myself from overdosing it feels like. And I want to not do it, and figure out what to do not to do it, like call someone and have them come over or something, but it's usually to much of a compicated thing for me to explain it. No one can really make me calm down when I freak out. But I did it, I didn't overdose. I did take out my whole bottle of trazadone, but I ended up running out the house screaming instead, yelling "This is too hard". It is. It literally feels like something is posessing me when I freak out, and it's not coming out of me until it feels like it, it's like whatever is posessing me, is trying to get me to overdose,over and over again.

May I mention, I haven't overdosed just once. Ugh. I thought maybe it was me that was better, that I knew not to kill myself. But I really think if it weren't for the meds, I'd do it again. I didn't take them on time, at all. I usually take them at ten at night, and yesterday I took them around one, I was going to pop. So I'm sure the effects wore off by an hour ago. And I ended up doing the right thing, and not popping yesterday. But I was a total bitch to Josh :/ I don't really know what was wrong with me. All I know now is, take my meds on time.

It's hard to read back on most of these livejournals, but in a lot of ways I love going back and reading all the things I had to get through.
I haven't updated for awhile, at least on this account, I made another "new one" to try and forget about this one, and the things that were written. I'm just tired of blowing off things that really do bother me, things that really do hurt me.
I know it's never too late to try and start caring, to try and start fixing things, I guess it starts here tonight, at three in the morning.
A week ago, I over dosed, I went to a mental facility. And I've been back with Josh for a little over two months now, it's not easy, let's just put it at that if the first sentence didn't give you the hint.
I'm on meds now, yet I realized tonight when Josh freaked out, that meds have nothing to do with it really. It just helped the situation by me not freaking out, Josh still continues to. It's hard being with someone who's stressful, when I haven't been. Physically I feel tired, I wanted to freak out tonight, but because of my meds it just felt impossible, thank god. But I wanted to, especially when Josh picked me up and wouldn't let go of me, or while I chased him down that street heading to liberty for the second time.
I love him, but I'm starting to see a side I never saw before.
The side that says, you have to let him go sometime. I've been holding on for so long, to my first love, my everything, my baby, and there comes a point, when you just can't keep going anymore. I'm reaching my point. I have to care about me now, because I tried caring about him first, and I ended up trying to kill myself like a dumbass.
I have never seen it from this point of view, the point of view to where I might actually be able to recover from all of this, and be happy. I see it more and more often now, the more he freaks out, the more he yells, the more he makes me unhappy, I see it. I can see myself, without him and okay.
I've never seen that before. I've always been afraid to death to be without him, but I'm not kidding you, more and more, I think I really will be okay.

Who thought I'd end up getting over the guy of my dreams?

I feel like I stand alone, I feel like things never change like I wish they would.
I feel like I never escape from the things that hold me down, and bring me down.
It feels like the same shit, but a different day.

There are things I wish I could write out on here, but I only feel like my secrets aren't safe. I feel like what keeps my knees weak to come out, people aren't ready for.
I want to get on my knees and pray for all these thoughts, all these second thoughts to vanish. I want these doubts to disappear, and live a life happy.
But now I see, it seems impossible.

Something is always missing, something is never right.
I always want the things I can't and don't have.
I never feel good enough, I never feel pretty enough. I'm sick of looking in the mirror and wanting to change a million things about my life. I hate being unhappy, even when I am actually happy.

I just don't feel like the girl I want to be so bad. I don't feel like this girl who I have becoming. I liked things better when there was constant fighting, crying, and then bits of wonderful happiness here and there.
No fighting, no crying, no struggling, I have to be honest, it doesn't feel right.
I don't want to go causing conflict in my life. I don't want to go changing things up, when I know things are just fine how they are, and so are the people who are in my life.
I just feel like I don't belong, I feel like I have too much to say. I feel like I'm to unperfect, to not enough like other people.
Here it goes, I don't love myself and I don't want to, and I don't think I can.

I don't like my life, I wish I had a different one.
Sometimes I feel like I belong in this world more, when it's just me home alone with my cat to be honest.
Everyone else, every place almost makes me feel out of place.
The places, the people who make me feel right, aren't around.

Here it is, Here's my depression.
Here's everything that eats me, here is what I think of myself.
Here's about ten minutes in my head, this is what I have to deal with all day.

I miss places, I want to go back to them.
I want to walk backwards in time and go back to the days I was there.
I want to retrace my steps and have my friends follow to show them all the great memories I had.
But I have come to realize, I'm constantly living in my past and refusing to move forward with anything and anyone in my life.
I'm tired of comparing people to others who were once there. I'm tired of comparing present times, to lost memories.
It's all over with now, I need to move on and love things now. I need to love myself now, with my new life.

I'm afraid things will get so overwhelming, I'll try and leave everything I have right now, behind to try and get things back I can't.
This is why I am writing.
I don't want to come out and say, I could leave all of you behind, everything we do, behind. Because I know it's not best, I know I'm happy from how I see it, and I know this is how things are now. But I feel like once I think about things that feel missing, once that spot in my heart only increases, I'll make a stupid mistake by shutting myself off to everyone.

I need to pray. I can't let myself do this again.

It's sad how things can amount to nothing. How two people who once loved each other could move on and act like they don't care at all anymore.
It's hard to watch a friendship go down the toilet because people can't forgive or swallow their selfish pride. It's sad that I'm not talking about one person, but almost many people, and even myself at times.
But I still feel as if I have accomplished this more then many people.

Your not always going to understand and know the answers for everything. It's something we all have to accept. We're not always going to be right and most of the time we might be wrong. It could get to the point to where we make mistake after mistake, but we still should be given the chance to make it up, and make a better person of ourselves. Especially if someone is going to reach out to you.

Things in my life are good, although not perfect, it feels perfect.
I love my friends and my good friends.
But the two things my mind is staying on is my boyfriend and my change of life for god lately.
This is a good change for me, and I feel really happy with things.

As if these entrys were photographs,
and this livejournal was a scrap book.
I'm adding you to some of my most cherished memories, even if every entry after this was about how sad I was. I want this one post to be in here so I can be reminded how much you already mean to me, how much you have already seem to grown on me so much in such little time. I want to look back and know I am happy with you, and I haven't felt this happy and felt like things are this right, in the longest time.
I want to look back, and see the start from something great, when days pass.

I'm falling for you fast.
You have me.

One day I am going to leave three things behind.
Stoners, Drunks, and these little towns.

For a girl my size, I have bigger dreams then what you would think.
I love my best friend, and I'm taking her to leave those things with me, when I descide I can't take it anymore.
The glass is half empty, and it's about to run all out.
I can't stand this, I can't stand having to do things someone's way. I can't stand having to be under the influence to have friends.

I'll find my way.

Sometimes I wish I had more simplicity within me.
I always feel as if I crave love and affection much more then a normal human being should. I have gotten to the point I have craved it so much, I have pushed myself into falling for people who only ended up breaking me.
To the point to where now I don't even see the point in falling in love again.
I wish I didn't spend half the time I did this year crying over people who had broken my heart.
I don't think the "guy" I am looking for is out there at times. How in the world, is there a guy out there who would understand me, and love me to death. On top of that, be almost completely like me, and be perfect for me.
It seems like it could be the impossible, you know.
To find someone out there who would complete me, someone who I would make my life. I seem to want it more then anything, especially lately. It's just when I put in the situation I seem to push it away more then ever.
I'm afraid of love. I spend half my time crying over how much I want it, but once I am about to get it (lately) I can't seem to put my heart out there for them, I can't seem to let myself fall.
I wouldn't be able to handle being hurt again. I can barely handle how things are now. I don't know what it would be like letting yet another guy into my heart, sharing everything with them, to loose them.

I just want something that is going to be there, every single day.
No matter what that day will bring, whether I am happy or sad, they are there.
A human being, a soul is a very valuable thing. Giving someone your heart, should be the best gift to give someone. It should be the one thing you cherish. I'm ready to fall in love, I think I just need to be reassured that love isn't meant to hurt, it's meant to be a good thing, it's meant to make you smile after you cry, not be the reason why you were crying.
I need to fall for a guy who is going to be sure, he'll have my best interest in mind.
Not to sound like a girl who is hating on guys.
But it seems like all guys are the same. Meaning in, no guys every treat me right, no guy ever falls for me and stays with me.
I'm feeling really alone in this world lately.
Like no one understands me, or what the words mean when I speak.
I just don't know if I should try and trust a guy with my heart I guess. Every time I have, it's been broken. There is no way to per pare yourself for a broken heart. If there was, I'd wear a life vest and fall for guys right and left. But life just isn't that way.
There is no life guards, it's all a chance, all a risk.
I said I'd never take that risk again, and I'm still not sure my heart will let me.

I want to fall in love. It's just if I do, I don't want to fight with them. I don't want to loose them, I don't want to not trust them. I don't want to cry over them. I don't want to feel like they don't love me. I want to be loved, and give love to them. I want to be their everything and have them be my world. I want to come first, and I want them to know they are number one.
I don't want any games, any terrible fights, no days spent crying.
I'm scared.. But I miss having someone hold my hand and look at me and smile, witch would end up making me blush. I miss having someone whisper in my ear the words "your cute". I miss having someone to fall asleep next to, and wake up in their arms. I miss having someone who will spend days with me at a time. I miss having someone who will pick me up from one room and drop me on bed and tackle me with their kisses, resulting in laughter. I miss having someone to keep me safe when I feel the most vulnerable and hurt. I miss having someone to look at me while I am crying, and tell me things will be okay and then have me look up at them, for them to wipe off my smeared mascara.
I wouldn't be able to tell you how many things I miss, because I really do miss it all. I miss being someones little baby to take care of. Someones girlfriend who they'd play house with. I miss looking into someones eyes and feeling like that was exactly where I was meant to be. I feel missing, without it all to be honest.
I shouldn't need a guy to be happy. I can be happy, I am happy. I just don't feel right, I don't feel full. Something is missing, and I know what it is.

I just need someone who can be my everything, actually I am tired of always doing my part. For a change, I want a guy who will make me his world, his everything, his life.

Can a life change in a matter of ten minutes. Can you seriously loose something that means everything to you, in only a matter of minutes.
I did. I lost my best friend.

I don't know what else to say.
I just think it's sad something that took so many days filled with laughing and messing around. So many nights spent partying and falling asleep talking. So many times we spent doing thr stupidest things. So many hours spent on the phone, so many times crying and being cheered up. Amount to nothing now. As if none of it ever happened in the first place.
I thought you were my friend for life, someone I could count on to stay in my life no matter how tough things got. But you didn't stay.

One day, I'll have a hand full of people who will be my friends through thick and thin. I guess I just really wanted you to be one of them.

It feels early but it isn't. I am still really tired, but I know I should get out of bed already.

I like this guy, he wants everything that I want in a relationship so hopefully if we do go out it will work out? I don't know.
I don't think I could handle another let down, heart break, and disapointment.
My little heart wouldn't be able to make it.

All I am saying is I have a crush, I don't know if he wants to go anywhere with it. But we'll see. :]

I had a breakdown today, just like the ones I use to have when we were dating. I had one because as I was looking for some old pictures of me on my computer to send a friend, I came across this,
It hurt so much to see this. I remember that day like it was yesterday when in reality it was more then a year ago.

I wanted to stay strong for a little while I glanced at it. But I start crying as soon as I opened it. It was almost like I knew exactly what it was. I cried for an hour straight. You were my first love. I still talk about you, it seems like all the time. Not bad, actually a lot of good things. Yeseterday I caught myself saying I miss you.
While I was crying for an hour straight on the phone with a friend, I brought up times we were together and happy. I brought up the time when you suprised me at eleven o'clock at night, outside my window with some flowers, a letter you wrote, and a quarter machine ring. You were shaking and you looked so scared, you asked me to marry you.
Also the time when we were in bed, and we were laughing at the stupidest things and we gave each other one hundred and fifteen kisses, in five mintues, I think it was in that time. We counted after every kiss.
The time, you lost your wallet at the mall after chirstmas and while we looked outside it was raining and it was now night outside you gave me your jacket and gave me a piggy back ride all the way to the car. You ran and we we laughed because everytime you'd take a step you'd say "My hair" because it was getting curly.
=/
I remember when we broke up. You just standing in the middle of my street, crying while it was raining hard. I remember running out of my house in my socks and a dress and holding you and saying I was sorry and that I loved you and things would get better. I remember kissing you and wishing things weren't like this.

I'm crying again.
I can't lie anymore. I can't say I am over you when I'm not. When if you called me and wanted things to be like how they once were, I'd drop everything in a heart beet and start all over with you.
I can't tell myself I hate you, especially when I look for a "perfect guy" your the one I describe.

Your not the same person anymore though. I wish you still were because I have never been in love with anyone, but you. And I know it was the most amazing thing in the world, and some of my most favorite memories, are ones I shared with you.
I need to get over you, I have been telling myself this for the past ten months now. But this has been hard.
I wish there was someone out there who would do the things you did for me, someone who wouldn't care spending every night and day with me, literally. Someone who would stick up for me and love me every second of the day. Someone who would got me, someone with the same exact style as me, and sense of humor. Someone who would talk shit with me, and look at me and just smile and know why. Someone who would be a dick to me when I was being the bitchest person.
I haven't found them, I haven't even found someone close to you.
No one has done the things you did, no one has replaced you.

I see now, everytime I talk about how I want to find the "perfect guy" I'm really talking about how much I miss you and that's why I get so sad.
I think sometimes I only miss you because I can't find someone who will replace you in my heart. No one who can compare to you or the things we did.

I'm trying to move on and find someone new. But every day I try and find someone new and I don't, the more I miss you.

I talked to a counselor today. She filed a CPS report on my dad. I am afraid because in the next ten days a social worker is coming to my school to talk to me. I don't want my dad finding out about this. I didn't even want to report my dad, or start talking about my problems at home.
I can deal, so why try and change things once things are finally setteling down. It's probably because things never stay like this, things are never this good.

I would right about love again, but there isn't anything I have to say.
Love is something I don't have right now, and right now I am not craving it. I am actually hoping to push it away and take it all in slow if it comes for me.

I might have to move out.
But I still feel happy with things. Is this inner strength we're all seeing? Or is it the PCP I took last friday talking.
I wouldn't have a clue.

Let's just say, I'm feelin him.

I am contradicting myself as of now.

all I want to do is fall in love with someone who is PERFECT FOR ME.
I hate it that I can't seem to find love, or them.

It keeps me up at night, it makes me cry, and want to give up.
I could care less if it sounds stupid, or you think I don't need it.
I could care less if I need it or not, I want it.
I just want to meet the one, at all cost.

Maybe I am looking in the wrong places for love. Maybe I shouldn't even be looking for love. But I should focus more on loving myself and my friends. The only problem is, I am already currently loving my friends and almost fully loving myself and life. It seems to be the only thing missing, is the other half?

I've descided I am not going to get high anymore. I've done it twice in the past week, and the second time I did it, I got really scared and nervous, I just don't think I want to do it anymore. I get to paranoid.
I rather live a little more of a sober life, I don't think I like drugs. Nah, they aren't for me. I'm done. Been there, done that. I'm over it.

I need to rethink myself, here it all goes.
I love myself, but there is always room for improving myself. But it doesn't always mean I need to pick every flaw and change it. I am only human.
It makes me happy when my friends are happy.
I want to love people and be loved.
I like to smile, even if things are at the worst because it gives me hope that things will get better again.
I DON'T CARE, if someone likes me or not. There isn't a point to care if it doesn't matter if you like me or not, I'm still here, I'm still me, and still happy? That's how I see it.
I live my life the way it makes me happy, If I'm happy most likely the people I love around me, will be happy too.
I can't trust everyone because most people always break trust. I can only give people my trust in little pieces.
I should start doing this with my heart as well, considering I give someone the whole thing and they end up hurting me.
I just need to be me, because thats what makes ME happy.

I was right all along. Last time I take a risk for someone.
You played me.

My boyfriend tells girl we're not even going out, not even seeing each other.
I'm the biggest idiot in the world.

I'm over it, I am not going to put myself out there with some shitty story to him about how much I like him and he just sits there and doesn't care. That if he doesn't even like me enough to tell people we're dating then maybe he shouldn't be telling me he's my boyfriend at all. I don't feel like doing it.
It wouldn't matter anyways.
I'm not going to trip off of it.

I just am not going to give a shit anymore, I just don't.
Fuck that. I'm not going to try and stick to one guy if he can't even admitt he's not single.
That was the biggest turn off in the world. He doesn't even tell girls he's dating me. Whatevaaaa.
I know I diserve better then that, I know someone else will treat me better then that shit.

There is no way around it, there is no buttering anything up to make it nice or cute.

I want to fall in love. I want someone to fall in love with me back.
I want to make someone number one in my life, I want them to do the same for me.
I want to have someone I can take everywhere with me, someone who will take me where ever they will go.
Someone that everyone will know about if they know me, someone who will make me their life.

I could care less about little phone calls, top eights, or if they remember our aniversarys.
I just want to know, that I can be the one, truly the one.

I've never wanted something so bad before. I've never felt so hopeless and lonely. I want to give up, but something makes me still want to try.
I know love can be amazing, I wish I had them with me, to wake up to in the mornings.
I keep praying to god, if he gives me love, I will not let it go, I will take care of them and love them more then anything in this world. I will make them happy as much as I can.

I want to cry.
I'll be back in a couple days.

I'm up late tonight thinking about my boyfriend.
He's on my mind a lot lately, I seem to be happy with me and him and where our relationship is going.
Is this possible. I do love him, really, I do.
He seems to bring out a better side of me, when I think of him I seem to feel better about a lot of things. Things aren't complicated with him.
He's nothing like my exs witch is releaving.

I look at him and know. He's going to be my world one day.
This is crazy, just crazy.
I could fall for him. I could fall hard, that's all I keep hearing.

It could have gone two ways, I could have been in the worst mood, depressed again, or trying to think postive and be happy.
As of now, I am happy. Because I could care less.

Because your either going to love me, or hate me. Or you could care less.
The people who want to spend there time with me, I'm going to make smile and laugh.
I will bring smiles to their faces and we can spend our days laughing and making the most amazing memories.
If you don't want to be around me, if you don't love me enough to look at me and smile, I don't care anymore.
I'm not going to try and have people in my life who aren't pulling themselves to be in mine. I know with or without them I can keep smiling and being the stupid girl I am.
I know one day I will meet someone who is going to be so addicted to me, and my moods, how I will get the sudden urges to dance around in my underwear with them, and eat cartons of ice cream in bed.
One day someone will appreciate me for exactly who I am.
They will find themselves with me, more then they thought they ever would be.
and I'll look at them and smile.

Your missing out. I just don't care anymore. I'll spend my time with people who want to be around me.
You'll never know how much you need me.

No one will ever be in true love with me.
No one will ever want to wake up to me every morning as much as possible.
No one will ever give me their heart as I give them mine.
No one will ever really give their life for mine.
No one will ever love me more then anything else in their life.

I am going to be this lonely and this stupid for the rest of my life.
I have lost all hope in love.
No boy will ever fall for me.
Even if it is ten years down the road.

I fucking hate myself.

My throat is killing me at the moment. It feels like a porky pine is down there just fucking with me. I keep trying to cough it up but it won't, it just irritates my throat. It's making me a little pissed off.
Fuck you throat.

I feel happy other then the slight feeling of wanting to reach down my throat scracth the constant itchiness I'm feeling. I feel pretty content.
I am really happy with my boyfriend, he makes me smile.
I feel like I am pretty much over the little things tha bugged me. I just don't care, as long as he's MY boyfriend, and he's staying faithful and lovin me.
I miss him though.

N E WAYZZZ.
People are at my house and I keep playing my myspace song OVER and OVER again. They are annoyed now. I am a little too.
I need to go shopping today. My dad won't be back till tomorrow. So it looks like tonight is just another crazy night.

I'll update later on.
I love PIERCE!<3333

I'm sick of these feelings of loneliness. I'm sick of my cravings for being in love. I'm sick of putting myself out there to only get hurt.
I'm sick of not feeling good enough for any guy. I'm sick of telling myself no one could possibly ever fall in love with me.
I want that to change.

I deserve a good guy in my life.
I deserve someone who will be a boyfriend to me.
I deserve someone who will care for me, and love me every single day.
I deserve someone who will be here for me to talk to no matter what time it is or what they are doing.
I deserve a guy who will want to see me as much as he can.
I deserve a guy who will want to put my first.
I deserve a guy who will want to make me his world.
I deserve someone who will call just to tell me that he loves me.
I deserve someone who I can trust.
I deserve someone who will make an effort for me.
I deserve a guy who will care about things I care about.
I deserve an understanding guy who will take the time to listen to me.
I deserve a guy who will be what I want, and not just me being what they want.
I deserve a boy who will stay loyal and faithful.
I deserve a guy who will be here for me through thick and thin.
I deserve a guy who will accept my craziness and my crazy ass life.
I deserve to be loved right.
I deserve to have someone in my life who will make me his everything.
I am not going to settle for anything less.
Because I know, I can be a damn good girlfriend.

That's all.
This is my change.

I appreciate all the comments I get on my livejournal, although my posts are long and don't always make sense sometimes. I love that people take the time to comment me, and tell me things, it makes me inspired, for life itself. So thank you, and please contine you to read and comment.

I couldn't be happier with the people god have gaven me. There are many people in my life, but I am happy that I have the people who have made an actual impact on my life. Dents, marks, and scrapes of love that will stay here for years to come.

My Boo-You've been here for me through think and thin, seriously. You have seen me during terrible break downs, when I was making terrible choices and you'd try and give me some good solid adivce. You've been here for me to guide my way into a better life, you are here for me to look out for me and bring laughter into my days when it has been shitty. I know you will always be here for me, it won't matter what silly things we get upset about, you are here for me each day. The one person I can come home to and talk to about everything and anything. People look at us and see complete opposites, but our hearts are sewed to one. To meet someone like you as changed my life, I love you so much.

Smash-You have been a best friend to me, before summer came. We spent days changing our clothes millions of times, talking about boys, drama, fashion, and stupid things. We spent our days putting on toga's, pretending to do the nasty, prank calls, listening to music, making videos of us dancing dirty and would talk about how hot each other was. I wish you wouldn't have moved, but I know we are real friends through out the distance that we now have. I can't wait to come see you this winter. I'm always going to be here for you, no matter what problems you'll face I'll be there to tell you what an amazing person you are inside and out. If there is anyone in this world who I relate to, get, and am like the most, it's you. I love you, you have changed my life for the better. And you always inspire me to embrace change and be myself no matter what people will think and say.

Lawrence-You are one of the best friends I have had, for the longest time. I love that we can laugh and joke around, make the ugliest faces at each other and then I can call you up crying the same night and we can be serious and talk about things. You always cheer me up no matter what it is. Your a friend that is always caring about me, and I'll never take that forgranted. I could turn to you for anything, and you'd be there. You have seen me mad, sad, happy, silly, shit faced, basicly naked, in the shower, sleeping, smoking, horny, and you still love me for everything that I am. I couldn't ask for anything else. You put up with my craziness and my crazy life, you accept me for who I am and love me so much, witch makes me only have great love for you back. I'm glad we met, I don't think I could have made it without you. I honestly think god sent you pacificly in my life for the best reasons in the world. I will never let this friendship go. I love you so much.

Kaylin-I have known you for about a year, and I'd always tell you things about myself and life back before we were so close. I considered us close back then though as well. I can recall times when we were so silly in class and outside of it too. I know from being your friend for this long that your a real friend, that your going to be here for me no matter what. I can talk to you about ANYTHING, I'm not even kidding. We can sit there and talk about shit from our family, sex, love, and life itself. We don't give a shit, we can get naked in front of each other and be like cool bitch? what now. ahahha. I know if I ever go crazy and do some stupid shit, you'll be right there fucking someting up with me. You don't give a shit, and I love that about you. You've been here for me so much lately, through some really tough times, and you don't know how much that means to me. Thanks for being such a good friend, thanks for bringing me up and talking to me about shit when I needed to get it all out. I love you, your my best friend.

There are a few more I would add, Like Jaycee, and Max. But I wanted to put the people up who are here for me so much, who have changed my life SO much, although many have. They have the most lately, and showed me true twenty four seven friendship.
For the people who have my best interest in mind, for the people I could get mad at and then have them be cool with it, for the people who can understand my bull shit life, for the people who see and understand me, who really get me.
It'd be them. Thank you so much, you'll never understand how much you guys really mean to me. Your the ones who keep my heart beeting, your the ones who keep me up from being down, your the ones who make my frowns into smiles, the ones who give me hope and something to look forward to in the mornings.
I love you, because your guys friendships is whats in my hearts.

My hair is full of negativity. Full of drama, crying, fights, and ever lasting feelings of feeling terribly shitty. When I take showers, it doesn't wash out.

Things were so good, that's the only thing that stays in my mind while my mind races through all this conflict in my life. Things were so good, things seemed so right. But here I am, it's just me tonight.
Things aren't okay, and trying to solve every problem in my life makes me fusterated. Even though my dad says things will get better at home, there is still so much going on, I still want to leave. I want to be permantly kicked out, I want to get away from all this, now.
I don't feel alone, I feel like there are so many people here for me to hold my hand and walk me through all of this, step by step.
I see people looking at me, and finally seeing how strong I really am. Because everytime words come out of my mouth, tears aren't following them. I can smile, and I can laugh. I can be sad, and be cheered up. I am never going to swallow my pride, I am never going to do things that will make me depressed, to please other people.
I am not going to give up my boyfriend, because of our age. I am not going to let go of friends, who always hold on to me. I am not going to apoligize if I didn't do something wrong. I am not going to cry, if it's not truly worth it. I am not going to spill my guts to someone who lost my trust.
I don't care where I go, what things I see. I will never forget, me.
I could never forget the nights I spent staying up and sneaking out, the days I'd go and explore this world, the times I spoke to people who only made me see evil and good, I will never forget how much I lost, how much I gained over the years to be who I am now. I will never let anyone take myself from me, I will never slip away. I don't care how far down the shitter I will go, as long as I have me, my soul.

You don't have to stand behind me. You don't have to believe in all my goals. We don't have to stay friends forever. No you don't need to be my husband anytime soon. This is what makes me, Karalee. This is what makes me cry, but I know can only lead to smiles. I know someone will be there, I know I can always look up to you.
Let me open my arms, let me give you my heart, let me get this new start.

You don't know how many times I have backspaced already.
I have been over this before. But I want to write it out.

I wish I could wake up to him in the mornings and give him good morning kisses before he left to school.
I wish we called each other through out each others days to tell each other that we love each other.
I wish we saw each other after a long week day, and we could just go somewhere, like a park or field and just talk and spend time together. Enjoying everything around us.
I wish he was always the first person I told things to. I wish I called him when I started crying.
I wish he could see how much stupid things mean to me, that when the things come down to it, I want to be the one who will be there for him through thick and thin.
I will never leave him in the dust. He'll always be with me, where ever I go.
I wish I could always hold his hand when he walked the streets.
I wish everytime he came home tired, I could lay with him and cuddle him until he fell asleep.

I really am starting to love him.
I'm falling for him, this is how I feel.
I love you.

I cried today, I was in my closet, and I cried. I cried pretty hard for someone my size. But I'm pretty sure how much a person can cry has nothing to do with their body size.
I cried, and I almost called you. I wanted to tell you every bad thing that had just happened to me. I wanted to tell you that as much as I put on this front that I was happy with everything, I really wasn't as happy as it seemed.
I wanted to talk to you, but I didn't dial your number. I felt foolish even thinking of calling you and opening up and trusting you. I felt like it could be a mistake, that I could only end up looking stupid and dramatic. So I sat on my dresser, with my closet doors closed, and I continued to cry.

This life must not belong to me. Would it sound needy to say, I feel like I diserve so much better sometimes. I have never had a glimpse of confident before, but if I do, here it is. I feel like I diserve a mother and father who will care for me, not when I am no where to be found, but when I am right before them.
I feel like I diserve people in my life who love me, actually love me.
I wish people didn't play games. It's not just guys who I date who play games, it's friends, it's parents, and at times, I seem to play them on myself.
I wish people could just be black and white about things. I wish things were always straight forward, I wish everyone said exactly what they meant, in a respectful way.

I am alone again. I am completely alone, I can now say this with confident. At first these were only feelings of that I was alone. Now, I am. But I do have myself. I feel stable, but yet everyone and everything that surrounds me seems to be unsure and forgetful. I can not sit down and rest anywhere. This is my journey, and it looks like no one wants me to stop and stay with them.
I am traveling soul, I tend to meet new people and go through new things everytime I am turning around.

I really don't know if I like love. Since it is the one thing I seem to crave so bad, yet can barely taste it.
Love is confusing. But I wish love gaurenteed having someone to call when you cried, having someone to be with at night, someone who cared to see you every time they would start to miss you, someone who would be crazy for you. Love doesn't mean you'll get any of that.
"The worst part is, you can love someone and be completely wrong for them"
That made me think. Will someone honestly every love me. Because no one has yet. Honestly, no one has.

I really did think today was going to be a good day. Even though from the way I did my hair, all lazy and up in a bun you probably wouldn't have guessed.
I thought things could be different for once, but they weren't.

My dad did it again, he told me that he was kicking me out.
Same reason as last time, not a good one. I'm sick of playing these constant games of being kicked out, and then coming back to living at my home. Every other week I am being kicked out for some useless reason. I know if I just sat there and told my dad, that I wanted to live with him, he wouldn't make me leave. But after he has gotten in my face a couple times, tried to hit me, and made me cry, I can't seem to swallow my pride and say, I love you.
If he's making me move out, I'll be the first to pack my bags.
In fact my bag is packed as of now, it consists of my phone charger, a change of clothes, P.e clothes, a cigarette and one dollar.
I'm ready to go, I want out.
I don't know why he does. I don't understand why everytime I am happy and finally beeting my depression in most ways, he only trys and finds ways to make me cry.
I am tired of being a sad person. I am tired of trying to get his approval, for him to like me. I'm sick of doing this for anyone.
Take me for who I am, or don't take me at all. I'll be fine, when your gone.

I haven't talked to my boyfriend all day, I'm not on his top8 either.
I am turning into the people I hate. I am complaining about myspace top8's. Pathetic. I just feel like he is hiding me from his life, from his friends, possibly from other girls.
If he can't make me apart of his life, how am I supost to make him apart of mine and yet still be happy with things. I guess it's not actually "The top8" It's the feeling that I mean nothing. And right about now, I feel useless.

I told my best friend, that I was to strong to let any of this break me, to give up, or give in. I have come to far, to give in and play little games.
I told my dad, that things didn't have to be this complicated, that things could be black and white. That all he wants to do is see me cry, or have me yell and I wasn't willing to do it this time. I just don't have it in me anymore.

If you could overcome something that is built into your genes. I have just overcame depression. Not really, I know if things get worse I could fall apart. But so far on the Dad kicking me out, and the boyfriend making me feel like I should be hidden, I'm taking it well.
I'm going to keep trying. Because I care about both of them, a lot.

Life is to short. We all die fast, and live slow.
But me, I want to make the most out of life. I don't want to ever wait behind something that is holding me back to put my best foot forward.
I am embracing change into my life, more then I have ever done before all at once. I am feeling a little overwelmed and a tad afraid. This is all new, and I still have a past of being this hurt, vulnerable girl.
But I'm thinking, I should leave that perosn in the past. I mean I have changed a lot in the past few months, it's incredible. I feel more comftroable with who I am in ways I never was before.
I feel loved, and I do feel wanted in some of the most important ways. It is lacking in other departments to tell you the truth, but I am trying to be happy with what I have for now. Rome wasn't built in a day you know.
If I would have looked back, back to where I was months ago. I would have never guessed I would be where I am today. Who knew god wanted me to go down these roads.
I will walk down streets that are new and dark, as long as I have a true person to be there and hold my hand.

I feel like I don't live the life that could be attended for me at times. I feel like I don't do the things I thought that I once loved anymore. But I look back at those things that were once daily routines, and think to myself, I don't love them anymore.
I once swore I would live a sober, healthy life.
And here I am, almost a complete opposite, but what can I say. If living in sin makes me happy, it's where I will go for now? I have no clue. I'll leave this for other days to be thought about.

I have a boyfriend, Pierce. I am happy he is my boyfriend, really, I am.
But I still seem to think that maybe me and him, doesn't mean much to him.
I asked him why he loved me, he said he'd show it through his actions. I guess I will have to see what he does, and not what he says.
Only my heart can lead me now, because this weekend I fell for him a little more. I just felt right, being next to him. It's a weird feeling I have already got before. But I am glad it's with him, and not some loser.

I get to see a really good friend of mine next weekend. I use to talk to him everyday, he helped me through a lot of shit. And I know I can ALWAYS tell him anything. Whenever I do something crazy or say some silly words that only kids that are his friends would get, I think about him and wish he was there.

I descided until I have a reason to put my heart on the line for people. I am only going to feed my heart things it loves. Kind of like a garden. A garden needs soil, water, and sun shine. My heart needs a solid foundation(soil), Fun(water), and Piece(my sun shine).
That was cheezy Karalee. All cheezy, you silly girl.

So, I want to goto the beach. To bad here comes rainy weather. :[
Death cab for cutie is the one keeping me writing, as I am hearing Kaylin text underneath the covers of my bed, when she should be sleeping. Ahaha.

I'm a messy girl, I don't know why anyone would like me.

You want to know one good thing, and one bad thing?
Good; I can never stop thinking of Pierce's cute smile, his silly little laugh, and how he gives me butterflys.
Bad; The thing I am most afraid of, isn't the pig man. It's that I could fall in love with someone who might not fall in love with me back.

The bad is just a guess of course. But it's a thought that always scares me. I'm afraid to really put myself out there to Pierce. But I am going to anyways, because maybe that is what falling for someone is all about. Having to risk, getting your heart broken once in awhile.
Here I am, you have me.

I am a very sick girl, I know I am.
I keep making myself sick with thoughts that I am never good enough for him.
I keep telling myself that there is no way, I would be worth it.

I'm feeling alone again, like I am on my own.
I can't plug my ears to the words that he tells me.
I can't hide from what is in front of me.
I can't push away something I want to move forward.
I want to run away from all this, but there no choice.
I feel addicted, to what is going to make me feel shitty.

I'm not good enough for him. I'm only some little girl through his eyes. I tell myself over and over that he doesn't love me, even if he does say it's true, he does.
I can't believe it. Is this real, or is this all just fake how everyone is trying to tell me it is.

Could this be love?
When he never calls, or shows any effort at all to show that he does in fact love me.
Does he really have me wrapped around his finger, would I really forgive him at all cost to be with him?

I feel stupid.
He has me, He has me most likely right where he wants me.
But I've never wanted to keep it like this before. I like him so much, I lie to myself a little and tell myself he does love me to see him and talk to him.
Because I know if I really told myself, it wasn't true, I'd be hurt, and wouldn't want to talk to him anymore.
This is all stupid.

I want him to be my boyfriend, but is he really willing to be a boyfriend. One that will come and see me and hold me. One that will call me to hear my voice, one who makes time for me?
I feel like I just take up the little time that he gives me each day.

Some say, he must really like me because of your age difference.
Some say, he's only going to hurt you.

I don't know what to say.

I feel like going paint, bottling throwing again. It was a lot of fun getting paint every where while I tried putting the colored paints into the glass bottles then throwing them at the brick wall. It also let a lot of my anger and fustration. I feel like I could punch someone in the face right now.

I have hella fustration right now. I don't give a fuck right now. I just want to fucking knock the shit out of something. I'm wanting the cigarette that use to be in my under wear drawer just in case I ever felt that I needed it after I quit. I shouldn't even think about starting again.
It's a continuous habit, starting, quiting, starting, quiting again.

I want the car to be home right now. I think I am going to go hang out with those Disco bay kids tonight. It was hella fun last time, that fat ass party was crazy. Even though everyone was gross ass shit faced by the time I showed up.
I don't think I'll have Justice pick me up tipsy again though. It was way crazy. Ahahaha.

FUCK, get me shit faced, now.

I don't really go on livejournal enough anymore. More problems in my life have healed since I was posting at least twice a day. I read a couple past entrys and it's just weird that I let myself be that unhappy for so long.
The past, shall stay in the past.

Now, to talk about how things have been with me since then.
Things have been great, well at least almost perfect.
I was dating a few guys since my last update, but now I am only dating one guy. He's amazing.
I have been meeting new people and doing some new shit with them. It's been pretty fun, that's all I can say.
There hasn't been any drama that has actually made me upset.
Oh yeah, that "alone" empty feeling in my stomach is gone. Witch is good, I don't really feel like I need a boyfriend at this point. Even though I am hella feelin Pierce. He's cool to hang around.

School has been good. My dad said if I passed all my classes he'd buy me my car. So I've been going to school, every single day. To find out that there are some pretty cool people in some of my classes.
Now I enjoy going on A days and B days. So it's all good.
Me and my dad aren't fighting, or at least if we do, I'm so happy lately I don't even notice.
I don't feel like this are imbalanced though. There have been some things that have bugged me. People sturing up shit, but I kind of just flip my hair extention and walk away. ;] Thanks to Chris Crocker.
So I've just been taking the good, with the bad and trying to make it the best.
It doesn't hurt having hella fun with my friends, and at night going on cute dates with Pierce<3 Lol.

I have to goto school in a couple minutes.
Bye!

Today was good but fucking stupid.

I hate Cameron. I want to dis on everything about him, to his looks, to his secrets, to his personality, to his goals that don't exsist.
I can honestly say I hate him, and I'm glad he's not in my life, he's being replaced by guys ten times better then him, that is a fact.
I could never explain this feeling from loving someone to hating them and wishing they'd drop dead.
I hate him, I don't care who reads this, I hate Cameron. We could have been friends, we could have been fine.
But he descides to talk about how I am dating? Why is it a big deal, what was the point to post a lame ass bulletin about no one cares how I am dating?
Odviously he cares if hes finding out about my date and posting a bulletin about it.
It's lame. When I replied all he could talk about is how I suck at spelling, and how I know myspace codes. Literally, and I was just like, um? You make no sense, you must care if your spending your own damn time looking at my bulletins, and posting shit about me? He just eneded up bring up, you know myspace codes! ahahahaha He's pathetic.
I'm glad everything happened how it did.

I'm glad I met Pierce and everyone else. I'm so happpy Pierce is basicly everything I want. I think thats it. I think Cameron is jealous or something cause maybe he's not dating?
I could care less, he had his chance to get me back if he wanted me. He passed it up. So why is me dating the end of the world. Seriously. Why did he waste five minutes even caring about my dating life.
I know Pierce is 943583859859859x better then cameron.
He's 22, He's the cutest boy I have ever seen in my life, I'm not even kidding, he makes me laugh all the time, he's always on my mind, he goes to school, hes nice, he's a good guy, he drives, and has a life.
He is like the full package.
Cameron is just mad because Pierce is making him look hella bad. Cameron is just worried, I could actually fall in love with someone hella better then him.
I can't stop thinking about Pierce. We're talking right now. he's so cute.
I have a date tomorrow anywaysssss.
Not with him though. I have a date with Pierce this weekend.

fghdjhgfjdhgjdhgjfhgfdjg
Life has been good, minus cameron. he's gay.
Everyone I know is so glad I am over all of the shit.
I can't believe how stupid he got today. whats up with that?

It's all over with. Me and Cameron are just friends at this point.
Tonight was it, I finally didn't want him to change anymore.
He told me he loved me, I could say I loved him back.
Tonight, I realized I didn't love him anymore, after he was yelling at me telling me everything was my fault.
I just sat there and was like, Yeah I know. He was like your the fuck up, not me. "Yes, I know, I messed up everything".
I called him and was like why are you blaming this all on me?
He was like cause it's your fault if you think about it.
I was like this is stupid, you broke up with me cameron, it's over, if this is all a waste of your time, then just move on and stop calling.
There isn't any point to be telling me all this. If you don't want me, and I don't want you this conversation is pointless.
He yelled at me some more and hung up on me.
He called back two seconds later saying he had three things to say
1. That I was right?
2. He was sorry
3. I love you
I didn't find this cute. Considering he trys this everynight. I'm just over it. I told him how I felt, I told him I didn't feel like I wanted this anymore.
I'm done. I'm not going to go crazy with boys. I mean I am gradually "seeing" a couple guys at the moment, nothing serious. But I'm not looking for that really. I want someone who will be exactly what I want, until then just fun.
So really there won't be a big change in my "behavior" ahaha.
I mean, you'll most likely see me even more happier then I have been.
I'm going to reno for a couple days. Meet some people and stuff.
Maybe this will give cameron a couple days to get use to not having to talk to me every hour of the day.

Bye Bye :D

I'm feeling a little empty. I'm finding myself dumb founded, I believed you would change, and try and care about me yet again. I don't know why I always put myself in situations that do no good for me, and only make me upset in the end. I try so hard to make people who don't want me, love me. I wish I wasn't so much like my mother. I wish I didn't need him to truly love and care about me.
I am stupid. Incredibly, unblievably stupid. It always ends up this way. I always find myself, alone at home on cold nights. No company, but my cat.
I say it's all I need, a fire place, myself, and my cat. But I feel like, this can't be it? This can't be the harsh reality in my life. I can't just be alone. No is alone. Or are we all really?
Is it just that our friends are here for us at times, at times when things are perfect. When your feeling lonely, is their company always going to be enough.
I guess what I am saying is, I need someone who is just going to get me and accept me. Someone who I can feel the same for. I'm just feeling alone in this world lately. But then again I don't want to try and find someone. I always think I find someone, a friend, or even a boyfriend. And it just turns out day after day spending time with them, that months later, the fun has ended, and they just don't get me.
I don't want to spend my life wasting it by crying, and fighting with someone. I just wish I could find that someone I guess.
I'm an idiot. That's all there is to it. I'm always going to be alone. No matter how much someone is always going to sit there to try and convince me that they love me, and want me. Actions, speak louder then words.

I don't know why this is happening to me. Something makes me go back to the place I call home. And it was calling, and I never returned. It's no longer needing me, but all of a sudden I am missing it.
My place in this world was where I thought it was all along, he's nothing what I want. He's almost everything I hate. I could sit there and look at him at times, and feel nothing at all, but wanting to be somewhere else.
But I can't help but love him.
Why is it once I'm seeing how other guys are, I realize maybe I'm meant with him.
I wish he was something different half the time. I wish he could be a little bit more like me, I wish I was attracted to him as I am with other guys, I wish he left me wanting more, I wish he kept me on toes, and being with him was so romantic.
But it's not. Writing all this out, I'm thinking why do I even love him? But I think it's because where I came from. Because everytime I get mad at him, he deals with it.
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He's a terrible boyfriend, I already know that. He's cheated on me, and I don't trust him, I'm not sure I ever could. No, I know I can if he wouldn't lie to me, if he didn't act so sarcastic and jealous twenty four seven.
I wish I could just compute him to do the things I needed him to do.
I wish he could listen to me. I wish he could man up a little and not care when I'm hanging out with my friends and not with him. I wish he could not care if I'm on the computer, and talking to him. I wish he just didn't give a shit at times, how I can be. I wish he could love me in front of all his friends, I wish he didn't want drama with me around his friends, I wish he'd just ignore it. I wish he could let me dress him up and do his hair, I wish he wouldn't call so much, but only at night or when it's something important, or maybe only for a couple minutes?
I wish he kept me wanting more. I wish when we hung out he'd take me to do something. I wish he actually wanted to grow up, get a job, and a car. It's not the fact that he doesn't, it's the fact he doesn't even try, and that's something I want for myself. I don't like that he can't be independent. I don't like that he can't take care of me.
I wish he could come over at night and bring some movies over for me and him to watch. I wish he could cook me a real meal, and make me laugh all the time. I wish he would shut up, and not me cry as much.
If he did all this, and this is what he doesn't see, all the trust issues would vanish in a matter of a week? He'd be everything I want in someone, I wouldn't care who he talked to on myspace, who he was texting, or if he went to hang out with girls. He'd be everything I need, and he'd love me.
Our relationship would be perfect. I can't change for him, I'm seeing that.
If he told me to stop talking to guys I'd tell him no. If he did all this, he could talk to girls as much as he wanted to, it's not a big deal as long as he doesn't cheat on me again?
I don't have anything about me he doesn't like other then hanging out with guys or talking to them. But that's so bull shit. If he acussing me of liking one more guy, or his friends, I'm going to flip. Just shut up, that's where you just need to shut up. Take it like a man for once. Just do it, who cares? I don't like them. Or at least maybe I wouldn't if you wouldn't constantly nag me about talking to guys. Give me a little freedom, I do need some space no matter how much your going to be everything to me.
God I love you so much, for what you could be. But it's something your not willing to try.

I just wish you could change. But your too sensetive for me, your to confusing, your to unaffectionate, your too nonromantic, your too needy and controling.
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Fuck, just change.
Things would be so perfect.

This wasn't orignally what I thought this post was going to be. But oh well.